hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
