Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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