Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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