i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
