When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
