david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
