I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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