I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Randomize
