Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
