this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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