First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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