Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
love makes seman taste better
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Randomize
