i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
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