I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
