She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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