I just pynch a tree in the face
Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
I can text with my tongue
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
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