Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
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