yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Randomize
