i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
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