I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
my poor anus
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
