All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
i think my cat just said my name.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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