I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
