discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
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