Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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