I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
