He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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