Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
