Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
