Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
