You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Randomize
