I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
