last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
should my penis look like a turkey
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I think your dad took our porno
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
