he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
