i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
