I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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