Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
