On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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