some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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