Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
