Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
