She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Randomize
