I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
