you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
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I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
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Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
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