Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
