one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Randomize
