remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
