I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
