i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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