Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
