Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Randomize
