Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Randomize
