dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
