i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Randomize
