sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
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And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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