You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
